Thursday, May 28, 2009
I spend quite a bit of time wishing. Call it hope, call it prayer, call it projecting, call it dreaming... whatever it is, it helps me cope. I can't tell you how many times I shut my eyes a day and make a quick wish. Usually, I am wishing for Avery to make progress, for Kaylin to stay neuro-typical, for Bryan and I to retain the endurance to survive all of this.
Sometimes I even try to visualize what it might be like if and when Avery starts getting better. I try to hear what it will sound like when she calls me mama. It's hard to hear sometimes over Kaylin's voice, but trust me, I'll keep listening.
But the theme remains the same. In this world that has given me grace and perspective, I continue to keep it simple and remind myself of my MANY blessings. Being grateful when your life is going as planned is one thing, but I find it even more necessary now that things are out of control. If I start to get overwhelmed (which I often do) I take a deep breath, make a wish, and remind myself of the silver lining. Of the complete and utter joy I find in the sparkle of Avery's eyes or in the delicious sound of her laughter.
Avery IS getting better in many small and significant ways. She is much more aware of her surroundings. She is walking with us, and reaching out to make sure we hold her hand. She is actually GAZING at us with a smile on her face for longer and longer periods of time. She even pointed at something the other day and imitated some simple play actions again. It's been a long time since we have seen her do that. She seems to have been bored with puzzles lately and her new school hasn't even seen her do one, but at home she got them out again, and did several all on her own. Another thing we thought she had lost. So maybe my wishes are being heard. I have to keep hoping.
Wishes and dreams may be childhood fairy tales, and they certainly don't always come true, but they have a purpose in my life. When my faith is running low, I can escape for just a moment and throw one out there. Heaven knows we all need a little of that childhood innocence to guide us through. So I will keep wishing. Hoping. Praying. And I will also keep relishing in what TODAY brings me. Because when it's all said and done, living in the present is what it's all about. Enjoy your moments. Rejoice in hearing your child's voice. Her laugh. His look. Celebrate what they CAN do, and keep wishing that one day, maybe they can move mountains.