I've written a dozen blogs in my head over the last month, but have failed miserably at trying to actually sit down and document my thoughts. I am swirling with emotion at this time in my life, and frankly, have been a little down in the dumps, which doesn't make for much of an uplifting read... but it's the truth. I have gotten a fair amount of acclamation from friends and family, and even a few strangers, for my strength amidst adversity... so when I feel weaker than usual, I am admittedly a bit hesitant to be the open book that I normally am. But this is life. We all have our moments, and maybe now more than ever I NEED to post on here. If for nothing more than free therapy.
Part of my mixed emotion comes from the fact that in 6 short months, Bryan and I will welcome a new sweet baby into our home and hearts. Some of you may think we are just plain crazy, or glutton for punishment... but we actually WANT this blessing... even though the timing may be a bit sooner than we anticipated.
It's not that our life isn't hard enough at this very moment with our very disabled, precious almost 4 year old, and our spunky, free spirited, totally typical almost two year old. Trust me, it's challenging. It's more of a "big picture" wish.
Even before I had a child with special needs, I wanted a big family. But once we became aware of her disability, and accepted the fact that she will likely always live with us and need special care... I wanted even more to surround her with the unconditional love that sometimes only family can provide. Siblings who will love her no matter what, and hopefully be there for her in ways and times that I can't. It is one of my many hopes for her, and for us as a family. I also didn't want Kaylin to feel the burden all by herself... I didn't want her to one day be making decisions about Avery alone. She deserves support too.
So though I KNOW we will have several difficult, chaotic years ahead... in the big picture, I also KNOW that this is the right thing for our family. That we will love and adore this baby no matter what... just as we do our two very different, very special little girls.
As you can now see, my plate is full. I have another two years or so to panic about autism again, and don't think I will be able to take a deep breath until this baby is two and hasn't shown any sort of regression. During my pregnancy with Kaylin, I was only just beginning to learn of Avery's struggles... and I can say with certainty that it was THE hardest time in my life.... so this time around, which will more than likely be my last... I am hoping for a little less anxiety and stress.... but the jury is still out on that one.
Most of the time I am able to cope in a pretty healthy way. I am able to see our difficulties through a lens of positivity, and have become fairly adept at living in the moment. But for now, when I feel nauseated every minute of every day, and I can't sleep because Avery still wakes up almost every single night, and my hormones are out of control and I am getting fatter by the second... I am having a hard time with my perspective. I am exceptionally sad about things that I have long ago learned to "deal" with. And the worst part is... I am not enjoying any of it yet. I feel too crappy, and can't take anything to take the edge off for fear of damaging my unborn baby.
I know "this too shall pass." I get that. Thank god. But, the only thing that I am certain will pass is my perspective, my nausea, and my pregnancy... I am NOT one who actually likes to BE pregnant. The babies I LOVE... getting there, not so much. What won't pass is our journey with Autism and mastocytosis. Our constantly evolving issues, hours of therapy, and struggle with disability. It is lifelong. And at times, when I really feel like shit, that seems almost unbearable to me. Still. I guess I am NOT over it. I don't know if I ever will be.
So what now? We march onward. I suck it up, and try my hardest to focus on the happy moments. I go back and read my previous posts of gratitude. I remember my MANY blessings, and simply cope. Thankfully, I have an exceptionally supportive husband, amazing friends and an outstanding extended family. See. I feel better already. Free therapy I tell you. Writing this blog is free therapy.