I was talking with my very wise Dad the other day who advised me to, every now and then, lay it out there on this blog with the reality of our daily struggle. His point was, (and I think he's right) that it's not always bright and shiny around here, and it's okay to be angry and upset about it. We have bad days.... and days when staying positive and hopeful is really hard. I admit that several days a month I feel like shouting to the heavens... REALLY????!!!! THIS is my life!? How incredibly unfair. NOBODY should have to watch their child suffer like we do. WHY does it have to be this hard to learn such basic, foundations of human functioning. AND.... for example, when sweet Kaylee broke her arm the other day, I feel like screaming... "How much more are we supposed to handle at once!!!"
Patience is NOT one of my strongest assets. Never has been. I, like my precocious one year old, want what I want when I want it. I want Avery to get better. I want her to start making an inkling of notable progress. I want her to say mama, or hi or even to wave at me.... something! But I HAVE to find a silver lining in all of this. I have to believe that for whatever reason, this is the path that I am supposed to travel. This is my purpose.
But when Avery is on her fourth night in a row of sleeplessness, random squealing, laughing and cackling from her bed at 4 am.... I grow a little wary. I look around me and can't believe how much people take for granted with their healthy, happy, NORMAL children. I feel angry. I feel bitter. I feel cheated.
Thank god she is starting to look at me. Just look at me and sometimes really smile at me. That's something, right? I am holding on to whatever I can here. I am desperate for patience. Please give me patience.
I am off to take my anti-depressant. Clearly I need it today.