I need a moment. Right now. A moment to curse, scream, hit a wall (which I actually did and think I hurt my hand) and just freak out for a while. I DO NOT have the patience, tolerance, willpower of whatever it is I need sometimes to get through hours like this gracefully. I just don't. It's not pretty. I keep praying for it. Praying for strength... but I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. I really do. Just this minute I am coming off of holding my screaming, flailing, flapping, sweating, hysterically crying, not to mention exhausted 3 year old for two full hours. Two miserable, out of control hours. She is finally sleeping. Maybe she wore herself out from crying all day and most of the night last night. Or maybe the medication I gave her to calm down finally kicked in. Whatever it is, she is out. Finally. I don't care if she sleeps all afternoon. But with my luck, she will be up again in 15 minutes.
Sometimes, it's rare, but sometimes, I really think I can't do this. I wish I could have put her in her crib and walked away... but now that she can climb out, that's not an option either. And it's really not her fault. She doesn't have the skills to know how to regulate her emotions, her body, or her reactions. She can't tell me what is wrong. She CAN'T calm herself down. So I have to. I have to calm us both down. I just get so frustrated. I have to hold her tight, pin down her arms and legs, try to keep her still, while she literally SCREAMS in my ears. Almost unbearable.
Nobody should have to see their child in agony hour after hour. Nobody should have to guess at what is wrong with their sick child who can't tell me what's wrong. Nobody.
I don't have it in me to keep my sanity on days like today.
So I apologize for not answering the phone. For not returning email. For being selfish. I just don't have anything left in me after the last few days. Nothing except for the love, attention and care I have to give to my girls. Nothing.
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