Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Connected at the Heart
One of the most attractive qualities I seek in other adults is self awareness. Being able to see, love and appreciate your authentic inner beauty while at the same time recognizing your flaws and idiosyncrasies. I love people who can laugh at themselves... and whose character is not a secret, but is out in the open for all to enjoy, and critique as they always do.
For the most part, I have been extraordinarily blessed to have found a few fantastic women to share my soul with. Women who don't judge me (at least I don't think they do) and who exude patience and encouragement towards me as I travel my own personal journey of revelation, joy, heartache, and transformation. Relationships are food to my inner peace, and I am so grateful to have some pretty outstanding individuals to call my friends.
The daily grind of motherhood... especially motherhood involving a special needs child, can be overwhelming and depressing to say the least. Feeling isolated and completely redefined doesn't help... and as I try to figure out who I really am and how I want to be defined in my sometimes chosen path is much more tolerable when you have someone who stands beside you, and holds your hand from time to time. If you bother to read this blog, you are likely one of those people who helps me feel sane, who reconnects me to the world beyond my own selfish interests, who shares in my life, if even only via internet. Everyone of you has a place in my heart, and I am so grateful to be able to acknowledge and appreciate you in some way, though I am sure it will never be enough.
Perhaps the greatest tragedy surrounding my daughter's diagnoses is that given the nature of her disorder(s), she may never be able to have the self awareness I speak of, or connect with others and feel the utter joy of sharing in someone else's ups, downs, and learn from someones experience other than her own. Autism is such an isolating disorder, and it saddens me beyond measure that she has no idea how much we love her, how important she is and how her presence has changed us, in every way, and made us better. I have written of permanence before, and that is such a tough concept to swallow. That she may indeed one day speak, and will likely make progress, but that she will almost certainly always be handicapped by her disability, handicapped in a way that socially inhibits her from realizing the abundance I write about when I acknowledge the relationships that make me whole. It is so difficult to wrap my head around... so I try very hard to live in the moment, and not borrow trouble that is most likely waiting for us around the corner.
Like each one of you, I KNOW that in some special way, my daughter has a purpose. She, if nothing more, teaches those of us whose minds DO work properly to have more patience, to stop placing unreasonable expectations on others, and to love in a way that is truly and completely without conditions. You see, she cannot tell me, and even has a hard time showing me, that she loves me and is connected to me. So I have become a master at finding even the smallest way to connect to her. Not with my eyes, or with my words, but with my touch, and with my heart. So though she may always be disabled in connecting with others, it is OUR job to learn from her. To learn how to love in the most simple of ways. She may not be able to speak of love... but to me and her Dad, she IS love. I wish for all of you, my dear friends and family, to one day see how beautiful that really is.